May 2021. Hi, my name is Romée, I’m suffering from anorexia.
I use the word “suffering” because it can capture all the joy it took away from me. I barely experience joy anymore.
It started out with dieting, after being sent home at a casting. It ruined my relationship with food.
Sports were another obsession. I used to do kickboxing, to lose a lot of weight by losing fluids. Then I stopped that as well, kickboxing because I wanted to model.
I was obsessed with getting a flat stomach. The only way I achieved it though was by having absolutely zero food intake.
After weeks without food, drinking became a battle as well. It started with skipping dinner, then I would grab only breakfast and after a while, I only ate tiny bits of yogurt or half a banana just to get me to eat nothing at all.
Thanks to my boyfriend, I was assigned an intern psychologist. She was about to take two weeks off and leave me to it. At that point, I wasn’t eating anything. I was surprised by how well I was functioning without food and felt like I didn’t need it.
I was at my lightest and unhealthiest when I visited the ER. My heart and kidneys were failing. I was prepared to be hospitalized, the crisis team said it’s either going to be voluntary or compulsive but -you are getting hospitalized-.
Now I am in the hospital. This place saved my life.
This is my fifth week. I miss home, I miss the freedom of home. I miss being able to go for a ride in my ridiculously ugly car (Opel Corsa). I miss being able to be in my room without getting nervous about the noises I hear in the hallway. I miss being able to be on my own without people interfering.
You see, once people notice you are not doing so well, they constantly want to better your situation. I get more and more distant from people. The harder they try to help, the more closed off I get. It is a terrible feeling. It feels like my mind is a maze runner. There is this safe space inside my mind that allows me to be completely alone.
My eating disorder is happy and keeps telling me how I do not need to eat. I am trapped in my head when I would just want to break free.
I am currently tube fed and after five weeks I only get a little over a quarter of my food intake from my tube feeder. I need to eat the rest of it. I get 2000kcal per day which scares me to write down. I know everything I eat and don’t eat will be compensated by the tube feeder, but it still frightens me to eat.
I try everything to keep my weight as low as possible. I tried moving excessively, I only ate the lowest calorie options. I ate my bread without anything on it. Anything not to gain weight, I even tried not drinking and excessively drinking water to lose weight. I know I don’t have to gain weight. The hospital wants me to stay at my current weight and I know I am only messing things up by doing all these things. But I can’t help myself. It feels so good to only eat the bread no butter no jam or cheese or whatever. I guess I feel in control.
I used to cry a lot while eating. Panic attacks. I don’t have that anymore. I just get these blackouts which are worse. Because when I cry, people notice I am trying and they feel sorry for me. But when I get all numb and distant they don’t see I am trying, even though I am trying harder than ever.
I feel ashamed of what I look like and feel the need to constantly hide. Not just physically but also mentally. I hide mentally, I have these blackouts and I avoid eye contact most of the time.
I wasn’t like that before I got anorexia.
Now I wear baggy clothes and pull a blanket around me, holding my waist so no one sees my belly. I don’t feel comfortable in my old clothes. I used to wear dresses and short shirts, now I only wear long oversized shirts and jackets.
I want to thank the nurses. Once again this hospital saved my life. One nurse in particular. She helped me get insights, motivation and inspiration. She always knew exactly when and how to talk. She knew how to get my mind off things and how to get my thoughts in order.
I am not going to mention her name, but I hope she realizes how much she helped me get through.
My story is far from over, it is just beginning.
